Tuesday

Shameless

Note- those of you who are easily made uncomfortable might not care for what I am about to say. But pregnancy pretty much requires a reckless abandonment of all shame or dignity, so I don't really care.
Sex is a weird thing. It's full of awkward moments, people make strange noises and faces and there is a reason most people want to do it in the dark.

That being said, pregnancy is also a biologically weird thing. It's full of awkward moments, people make strange noises and faces and I bet people wish they could do it in the dark but light is medically necessary.
So combine the two and you can imagine the weird that ensues. Mostly it isn't even physical things. It's mood swings that could catapult a car to the moon.

Some days a mere at on the back is enough to make me want to turn around and punch someone's face. Contact repulses me at times. Other days I am like a freaking koala bear and want to hug someone and cling to them like a suction cup windshield ornament Garfield doll.

There is a common joke in movies and television about the fear of sex during pregnancy. People are always worried about hurting the baby. I am not necessarily worried about poking the baby in the head or anything, more so with shaking the baby around in there. But luckily I have a 50 year old gray-haired man doctor to ask these super personal questions too. Score.

My other thought is how the baby books say at a certain point your child can hear outside the womb and will recognize your voice. Do you really want the baby hearing your O noises?

I read all these magazine articles with Angelina Jolie talking about how she feels so sexy pregnant and Brad Pitt is all "Yeah, super sexy!" To Brad and Angie, you all are freaks. Pregnancy is not a sexy time. With the exception of the hormones that rage like a 15 year old boy's, sexy is not an adjective I attach to being preggo. Nauseous, bloated, crampy, irritated, fatigued, swollen, grumpy ... see sexy anywhere on that list Jolie? Didn't think so.

But I guess when the urge strikes, one of the benefits of being pregnant is you have someone who is forced to find you attractive long enough to satisfy that want. They put you in that state of fatty grossness so there is very little they can do about it. It's either figure out a way to find this attractive or suffer in celibacy.

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