Tuesday

The cuteness expiration date

Fact: Everything babies do is cute. I know some would argue with me that the midnight screaming sessions and exploding diapers aren't so adorable, but I stand firm in my initial statement. Every little thing a baby does is considered cute.

I dressed my daughter in her Winnie the Pooh track suit this morning, and as I pulled her little pants up to her belly button on her disproportioned baby torso, she resembled Fred Mertz a la I Love Lucy.

Now this isn't a good look for anyone, unless your fashion icon is Steve Urkel, then you have achieved your goal. But while on a grown adult, pants up to your armpits would look ridiculous, on a baby it draws sounds of laughter and "Oh my goodness, what a pwetty widdle girl you are!" It's not like you can buy low-rise pants for your baby. That would lead to the need for thong diapers and it's all downhill from there.

With this in mind, I've compiled my list of what I have given the lengthy title: "Stuff That is Totally Cute When Babies Do It, But Weird Coming From An Adult."

- Hiccups. When a baby hiccups, their whole body expands and contracts. The mouse squeak that accompanies each bounce is endearing. To hear that little "Hee-ooh" and watch their limbs flail is hysterical. Since you can't exactly scare a baby or say "Here kiddo- drink this glass of water upside down while standing on one leg and humming the National Anthem," you have to ride the hiccups out with a smile.

Now if an adult made that much fan fair with each diaphragm spasm, you would last maybe five minutes before throwing a shoe at them.

- Spit up. When my daughter spits up, the trickle of regurgitated milk from her mouth is accompanied by one of the best facial expressions I have ever seen. Her eyes look so confused and slightly panicked, and if she had a cartoon thought bubble over her head I think it would say, "What the crap? What's happening? What did I do to deserve this?" 

Since adult spit up is usually caused by illness or drunkenness, it is not an occasion for laughter. And since our stomachs hold more, um, diverse contents than a baby's, the results are absolutely disgusting. Although, that same facial expression might still occur.

-Crying. I know how terribly cruel this sounds, but any mom knows what I mean here. I'm not referring to cries of pain or those pitiful whimpers. But the big honking wails, complete with red scrunchy face and quivering chin. It may not sound cute, but it gets to a point where the baby looks so utterly ridiculous it circles back to cute again.

Now if you have a baby girl, chances are you will experience this crying again over the course of parenthood. But with the exception of excruciating pain or extreme emotional trauma, watching an adult kick their legs and screech through crocodile tears is just comical (and cause to seek therapy.)

And the number one, ultimate cute thing babies do that is weird coming from an adult is:

- Baby farts

People will giggle with pure glee when a baby farts, especially if the baby does it while you are holding them. Now I thought fart humor was limited to the realm of teenage boys and Jack Black movies, but babies open up a whole new world in which it is appropriate for anyone to laugh at that little (or sometimes not so little) tooting noise coming from the diaper.

If an adult were to fart while sitting on your lap, chances are there would be a high level of discomfort. But when a baby passes gas, it is the most adorable rush of air you'll ever feel on your leg.

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